Change

"Screw your future."

I know I deserve it so maybe that's why my sobs aren't as loud. I have never have felt as such a bad daughter as this moment, the moment when my parents tell me that they're disappointed in me and that they don't care anymore. 

Never have I felt as such a failure.

I have always had a problem with waiting too long. I am always lazy. These things cause me to miss out on being the best of me, just like the girls in the book my mom read.

I always blamed it on my personality saying, "That's how I am," but that's not the truth. I have been lying to myself this whole time. It is up to me, it is my choices that cause me to do what I do. 

That's why today is the day when I will promise myself to change. No matter how hard it is I will change. And if I don't, well, screw it, I'll try again and I will change. This new chapter in my life will no doubt have many stumbles but I must persist. My will will do what it I will it to, but in order for that to happen, my mindset will change.

It will be hard but I'm glad Lent is starting on Wednesday. This Lent is going to push me to change. Maybe doing things for my parents can be easy to shrug off, but doing things as Christ will force me to make things work. 

So, here I go, making my family first, stop putting things off, and starting being the person I want to be.

I'll make a retreat post later, when my mind knows it I won't stray away. 

Ok, here goes. I feel like typing it down will make it more permanent. In addition to being a better person, starting Wednesday there will be:

• No Meat 
• No Internet
• Obvious exception is for school work
• Email is ok for non-pleasure. This way it won't be too hard. 
• Blogging is ok but no looking at my dashboard (except for the first page cause if I'm gonna post something I need to see the first page--duh.)
• Exercise at least twice a week

"Who knows, here goes..." -Roger and Mimi in "I Should Tell You"