Hello

I feel like at this point life keep going so fast. I'm going from one place to another, I have another thing to work on, or I just have to do something. It's nice to spend some time to rest and catch up on an episode of Gossip Girl in my cozy bed. I never really liked Chuck Bass that much until this episode. His vulnerability so thoroughly hidden over a hard mask finally breaking through completely made me see a whole other side. Thinking about this reminds me of what the Father whom I went to Confession with discussed about judging others and not seeing every aspect of their life. How can we judge them when we haven't been there? At times, I find my thoughts so intriguing but I can never share that moment with anyone else. When someone has thoughts, from intelligent thoughts to thoughts of confusing indecisiveness, they influence every decision one makes. It was so hard for me to see the real Chuck, which makes me wonder, do others see through my mask?

Yes, I must admit I am one crazy girl, but I'm more than that. When all my crazyness peels away, I am the same Tracey Nguyen. Oh gosh, I absolutely hate that question: "Who are you?" I never know what to say. No words can ever describe who I am, not my ethnicity, my beliefs, or my qualities. I am who I am. I am every single moment that I have lived. I am the good child, I am the bitch, I am the student, I am the daughter, I am the leader, I am the follower, I am the happy, I am the weird, I am who I am.

So, can you not see me for me? "Maybe that's because no one has ever given me the time of day to get to know me," as Andrew said in "what is a real man?" Even when I'm with my closest friends, or my closest cousins, I will never fully feel not alone. I don't know if it's just me or everyone who gets this feeling. The level of exposure, of nakedness, that takes to be not alone is too much for humans. Only God can see everything. Only He can see when one word from you can make my day feel sad. He is the only one who knows that I keep all my childhood resentments and feelings in my mind when I'm at my worst. When I hate the past, and when I love it. When I wish for something, and when I do it. I can have the the worst reasoning of all, but my experiences makes me bias towards myself, my experiences through all of my "spheres" as I like to call them, the different worlds and people I am with. Although I love being the loud smiling girl everyone knows me to be, I can't help but feel different outside. If I were to be completely another person and look at myself, I could never see me for me. There is so much dimension that someone else will even know.

These are the things I think about when I'm alone. When I can think for my self. When I can breathe. I'm not saying that I'm fake, I'm just saying that there's this inner part of me that no one will fully see, even when I meet my beloved. Everyone has this part inside of them.

Hello, I hope you got a sneak peak into my soul, the soul of Tracey Nguyen.